The Thoughts Of Yimika Adeniyi.

My old ways call me, It looks glamorous, beautiful and incredibly attractive. And now I wonder,  am I missing out on something? Does this new life pay afterall? The ride isn't the easiest, The road,  not the smoothest, And so I ponder,  is it really worth it? Then He spoke to me,  he reminded me, About my wretchedness, My filth and dirt Do I want to go back to that life? No,  I decide, For a little time in thoughts Has exposed me to the truth. 

I have decided to write about you. I have found writing to be a valuable way of venting my emotions,  and so,  today,  I write this. I was going to say it all started on... But I realized how cliché that was,  and I'd rather be different,  original like I feel.  So I'll start this way.  I think you are bad for me.  Plain and simple.  It's the truth, Because I need control,  I earned it,  I worked my entire life for it and I hate you for messing with that.  How dare you think you can come around and crumble walls? I want to see you though, Talk to you, I miss you, Oh but I will never say it.  I will avoid you though it hurts me to.  The truth is, I am scared.  I can't afford to go back there, Go back to being powerless, I don't want to do no wrong. But recently I think about you a lot, I wonder how you're holding up, How life is from your point of view, Oh how I wonder what you th...

People define beauty as makeup, nice hair, well shaped brows, pretty eyes and much more.  I define it,  as ME. 

Today I feel alive, Awake, A lot more than other days, Today, I am encouraged, Strengthened, Surprisingly, Because most times,  All I do is whine, Whine in the sadness and cry, Bathe myself in sorrow, Soak in the well of pain, But today, I have a different view, The reason is simple, I had a meeting with Jesus, He really does make everything better.  I woke up feeling different, I sensed a great togetherness, I am in awe, This is unusual, I force myself out of bed, Wriggle through the sheets, The wet iced sheets, Cold, with my unending tears, Iced with the snow, And brace up for another torture, Another day in the land of the living, That's why I say it's unusual, Because today, Nothing like that happened, I didn't cry,  I didn't feel sad, What's more weird? I laughed.  I never laugh, But today, I did. This God is real, An encounter, And my life turned around.

"You don't have to be successful to blog,  you can blog about your failures " -Tolu Ogunlesi.  I went to a good secondary school. Thinking about it now,  one of the best in Nigeria.  The environment was beautiful and the staff put their best into everything they did. This is why,  I wonder why I even have to write this blog post.  I was not the bad academically, being very well above average.  But,  I had one problem;  the one that took the devil 7 days and 7 nights to gather its ingredients, 11 to study it's recipe and 29 more to cook it;  Mathematics.  This has to be the worst subject in the whole world.  I don't remember having problems with Maths until I got to  SS1(Year 10) and got an F9 in the first term examination. I was surprised, I knew I did not like the subject but I did not expect to fail so woefully in it.  I just could not comprehend it.  My mother was worried,  she immediately offered...

I write and write and write.  Sometimes because of pain, Other times because of anger, Some other days I'm happy, Which sadly is rarely, But the beauty of it is, I write.  -Yimika Adeniyi. 

Look,  look deep.  Look in Search more Stretch, Stretch your patience Look again Maybe you'll see Because eventually, What you see is what you believe.

The depth of darkness, This bitterness, Sad misfortune, Echoed voices, That soar through the skies, The height of disgust, The strong distaste, The feeling of irritation, That plagues the skin, This is where the truth lies, Hidden behind the false,  the untrue and surely the glittery, Look far,  much farther, Perhaps you can catch a glimpse,  of what it really is.  

T oday I want to be thankful, I want to let you know Lord,  that I appreciate everything you've done for me. I thank you for things I'm too shy to say out loud.  I thank you for those I exclaim about out loud. Thank you for the hidden joys behind my sorrows. Thank you for the seemingly 'invisible' blessings admist the pain. I realized life is about perspective, The angle you see things from determines your conclusion. Perception is everything.  So today,  I'm going to focus on my joys,  on my laughter, on my peace,  on all that glitters, I choose to focus my energy on gratitude, Because through it all, Here I am afterall. 

Repetitive tendencies, You see I tend to feel the same way a little too often, Or think the same thoughts too much, And I try the same therapy all the time, I say, I'll trust, I say,  I'll hope, I say, I'll pray, You see it hasn't all changed.  I'm still going to trust Him, I'm always going to believe in Him, But I need a coping mechanism, Truth is,  I'm tired of coping, I'm tired of hoping, Trusting is wearing me out, This time I want victory, This time I want freedom, This time I want to conquer, I want to start seeing, I want to start feeling, I want my miracle,  NOW!

Mixed up emotions;  anger,  sadness,  helplessness, A feeling of hopelessness. Having to accept a rule imposed, while it clearly breaks you apart, Obedience when it wrecks your heart, Who can explain it? That feeling,  that feeling of helplessness,  Force is a word I don't want to hear of again, For with force, my will has been made nothing. 

Strength wearing out,  Pain,  tearing apart, Shame,  breaking out, Like an acne it spreads, How much longer can I take it?  Oh not much longer.  I'm about to burst, I feel it.  I'm blowing out,  I sense it,  I can't take this anymore, I know it, But where do I go to so I don't feel this anymore? How do I explain to myself a reasonable solution? Perhaps there is none,  I'm hanging by a thread,  It's tearing apart, I need rest, But I'll try to hold on, I'll trust though it seems I'm mad, I'll hope still feeling like a fool, Just maybe, maybe I'll make it through this. Maybe I'll stand again, Or maybe not, Maybe I'll fall, And break me beyond repair, But even as broken bones, He can make me whole, Who is He? His name is God. 

Tears,  cries,  sadness.  That's what I feel everyday.  Masking my emotions with a smile, My favourite makeup.  The one no one sees through,  doesn't crease,  doesn't wear out. It's funny how no one sees through this fake smile,  But then,  how can I expect any less? Those who don't bother about me, Who don't talk to me except they need from me.  Tell me,  is life supposed to be about struggle? Being unable to be happy? Why can't I have a stable life, like those I see on the gram? Oh they say not everything that glitters is gold,  you would think I know that,  But here I am,  wishing for someone else's life just so I can be happy. How do I mask my fears? A question I decode ways to answer everyday.  The accuracy of my pretence.  All I want is to be happy.  I just want to not be sad,  I only desire a life without these tears,  How can I get it?

I love you, I love you, I love you, A statement people say everyday, Most without knowledge of what it really is. Is it in the things we do? Or in the words we speak? Allow me to remind you of John 3:16 that explains how much God loves us, and how He gave His only Son to save us.  But the bible says, He who does not love his brother, the love of the Father is not in Him. So what are we doing guys? Making people cry, making people sad, causing so much pain all in the name of love.  This is a mathematical problem I can't solve, I think we're confused. I checked for the meaning of love and it seems to encourage the desires of the flesh and that's sex. So I ask you, does love revolve around sex?  Or helping the fatherless, the motherless, the defenseless, the ones who feel worthless? Look if you're in a position to show love please do, do it and don't ask for something in return, Because love is selfless, God showed us so.

Why does healthy food not taste as good as the unhealthy junk? Why do some get life easy and others don't? Why is it so easy to fail and harder to succeed? Why is it easier to gain weight than to loose it? Why is it not hard to cut hair in minutes  but seemingly impossible to grow it quickly? Why do I have these much questions? Why do I even think about things like these?

If you haven't read Part1 and 2 yet, please do before reading this. Don't be afraid to fail. If you do, then look back, visualize it all over again. Where did you go wrong? Look for your mistakes, ask questions from the right people. Ignore the pain of failing, you'd be a bigger failure if you fail and stay right down. Remember,  failure doesn't feel good. So get up, analyze your mistakes, work on them and go back again. I'm being  persistent till I succeed, are you?

If you haven't read Part 1 yet, please do before reading this. You just have to. You just have to trust that you can achieve it. You know why? If you don't,  you'd keep failing.  And one thing is sure, failure doesn't feel good. So strive, ignore the gossip, ignore the doubt, ignore those voices in your head telling you you can't do it. You can. Pause and reflect... Think back on how great your music is, or how beautiful that makeover looks, or how delicious that food tastes... Remember how good you are at what you do, at what you did, and now imagine how great you'd be doing much more. You are capable. Think of the goal. Write it down. Think of how amazing you'd feel and even look after achieving it, and use that to push yourself.  It is achievable. Very possible.  But you've got to work for it, put in the effort needed till the very end... Don't stop halfway dear . YOU ARE GREAT.

Ever started something, saw positive results ahead but got negative feedback instead?  Ever thought you could get to the top of the mountain but 10 feet through you found yourself tumbling back down? Ever analyzed the situation, persistently believed it was achievable but yet you failed? I can relate. I know how it feels to fail. Or just to start up a task and give up on it, then go to another only to stop without completing it again. Sometimes we have great visions, great plans and ideas but implementing them becomes so difficult. How do you believe in yourself when you don't know how to? How do you keep your self esteem intact without falling into a state of unnecessary self awareness or depression? How do you face these obstacles and keep pressing forward? They say a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. They say start small bla bla bla... But how do I succeed without falling?

I'm the feeling you get. I determine how you react. You can control me, But do you? Lots of you say "I was in a bad mood", but it's not an excuse. Not justifiable. You're not allowed to use me as an escape from the effect of your actions. Face your issues, Self control is pertinent. Stop blaming me, please. 

"You don't have to be successful to blog, you can blog about your failures"- Tolu Ogunlesi. This motivated me. A lot of the time, people place their focus on who they are and not what they can offer. You are a danfo driver but you can keep the passengers entertained with your jokes, maybe you can be a comedian. Just a student, but you do great at matching outfits. You have it in you to be a stylist or perhaps a fashion designer. So why are you sitting there, feeling like you can't achieve anything? You can do a lot. A lot more than you can imagine if you train your mindset to focus on success. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't do. There's a great potential deposited in you by the Most High. Are you using it?